Dying A Thousand Deaths

Holy crap.  My experiment with vlogging (see video here) makes me want to die a thousand deaths.  It's amazing how many buttons it pushed and how dramatically the pendulum of my insecurities swing.  

I struggled with the decision to do the vlog but ultimately chose to try it to become more than a photo and engage with my audience.   I want to reach that girl who is struggling to make sense of her drinking.  I want her to see that being sober works - in a raw and real way.  I did the video yesterday while Carter was sleeping and decided beforehand I was only going to do one take even if it sounded utterly ridiculous.  It turned out better than I had anticipated but of course, I am tearing apart every aspect of it too.  Truthfully, my alcoholism is in overdrive right now telling me that 1. I sound like an idiot 2. nobody cares and 3. what's the point.  Thankfully, my sobriety is telling me "who cares, " and the balance of good vs. evil will probably persist a while longer as I figure out this vlogging thing.  

One thing that has helped tremendously is a conversation I had with a girlfriend in New York this past week who is also sober.  I keep replaying it when I start to feel uneasy, and I imagine she'll never know how truly beneficial it was.  I was telling her how I seem to be holding back because I am afraid to be "out there."  She smiled and calmly replied, "you already are out there, " and her words hit me like a bolt of lighting.  She is 100% right.  I totally am and to hold back feels like another form of not being completely authentic with myself.  Thank you, double R. 

So, watch out...more awkward vlogs to come:)