Thank god for being sober.

We just got back from our week long vacation at a destination wedding in Mustique.   The trip was amazing and if you follow me on Instagram you'll see a ton of pictures that convey that message.   However, the trip wasn't without its share of drama.  I should start by saying I am so grateful to my friends for inviting us and their family for making the entire trip possible.   The wedding itself was insane - aesthetically it was elegant and simple.  Every detail down to the string of lights hanging over the open dance floor was perfection.  The wedding dress was beyond, the two of them were glowing all night, and to top it all off she had Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones playing the guitar as she walked down the aisle.  Seriously, this was a dream wedding.    

The backdrop doesn't get much better than this island but somehow my anxiety was triggered a lot.  I've been thinking about why and I have a few theories.  Firstly, the island is too small to handle so many large personalities.  Plus, add in tons of drinking and lack of sleep and it's a recipe for a lot of drama.   Everyone at the wedding (aside from a few people) are drinkers and it's the first time in a very, very long time that I felt like I wasn't part of the party.  Normally, I don't care but there was so much drinking that I felt like there wasn't a whole lot I could contribute.  In real life, I could go home and recharge but on an island, with constant parties and interaction, there was no time for recharging. 

It's also the first time since I've stopped drinking (7+ years ago) that I was singled out by another girl looking for drama.  It was extremely jarring because it's been so long that I have completely forgotten what it feels like.  I don't hang out with anyone who is a serious active drinker or someone who stirs up a lot of drama so it was strange to find myself singled out.   It brought back so many feelings I had when I was drinking and it completely ruined one entire day of the trip.  It was hardcore anxiety and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to immediately relieve it.  It sent me into that frantic zone I use to live in searching for answers, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and how I could fix it immediately - which is crazy because I wasn't even sure of what happened. After coming down from the drama I am able to see the situation for what it is.  It wasn't about me and unfortunately, I was just a casualty for other things that were going on.  It's also such a good reminder of why being sober is so important.  The whole thing would have looked very different if I were drinking.  I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I would've said and done things that would have completely ruined my relationship with my friend, destroyed my self-esteem, and led me into a very dark place.   Thank God for being sober.  Also, thank God for my husband who held my hand and comforted me through it.  In some small way, I am thankful for the drama because it actually strengthened our relationship, made me appreciate where I am in my life, and it showed us just how good and stable our relationship is.  

All of that craziness aside I should end with the fact that the trip really was amazing and the wedding was one for the history books.  That night under the stars, next to the ocean, surrounded by crazy amounts of love - I felt like my heart was going to explode with love for Paul, for my friend and her husband, and for all the incredible people we met on the trip.  #giftofsobriety